The last couple of days I’ve spent a little time looking back at 2016 and rereading my journal. I don’t journal every day or every week, but I periodically pencil my prayers and thoughts and God-words. As I browsed the pages, I felt again the heartbeat of my prayers and felt the pulse of His behind it.
The page dated 1/1/16 begins with this prayer: “This year, Lord, I want to go deeper with You, abide more fully in Your love and taken into Your secrets and into rare intimacy with you. How my heart yearns for You, but quakes before my weakness and failures….Oh, wondrous love that accepts me as I am then fills me and lifts me to infinitely more than I deserve, more than I can conceive…and all that You desire. So, breathe in me a yearning for more of You. Stir the embers of my heart into a fiery love for You, and take me deeper and deeper into the secret place of rare intimacy with you, O God.”
This yearning for a deeper relationship and for rare intimacy with God continued pouring onto the pages of 2016. My inclination now is to judge how well I did in that pursuit and whether I achieved my goal, but there is a fatal flaw in that thread of thinking. Tug on it a bit, and my life unravels.
The intimacy and depth I long for isn’t something God awards to high achievers and do-gooders. It can’t be achieved by even the most spiritual or the rest of us in our more spiritual moments. If it could, then my relationship with God would be performance-based and not grace-based. If my faith rests on my faithfulness in the pursuit, then I am doomed and will surely fail…I have failed.
I wrote on June 12 that God doesn’t dangle something in front of me and ask me to attain it. Instead, He offers freely what only He can give and what I could never attain. He doesn’t demand that I muster up more doing power and greater faithfulness. I am called in my weakness to entrust my unfaithful self to the Mighty One who will do in me all that He wants of me and from me.
Deepening intimacy is the fruit and power of redeeming love, indeed, it is the aim of redemption…that I may be filled with all the fullness of God and enjoy a deepening experience of His nearness until the perfect image of Christ is formed in my soul.
So, I think it’s summed up like this: My part is to yield all I am and trust all He is. To just be who I am in Him and let Him be all He is in me.
It’s not just a 2016 or 2017 pursuit, it’s a calling to a lifetime journey. It’s yielding my time and my focus to sit every day at the feet of the Living God lost in wonder, love and praise.
Stir the embers of my heart into a fiery love for You, and take me deeper and deeper into the secret place of rare intimacy with you, O God.
Author Archives: Pam Teschner
Society of the Burning Heart
…His word is in my heart like a fire, a fire shut up in my bones. I am weary of holding it in; indeed, I cannot. Jeremiah 20:9
God has been stirring up a fire in my soul to know Him more deeply. I want more than an ordinary experience, I yearn for rare intimacy with Him. I want to be filled to the measure with all of His fullness, walk in the power of His Spirit and have the image of Christ more fully formed in me. However, it requires death to self, and that’s not an easy path.
There has been a growing sentiment in Christianity that God exists for us and for our comfort. Some are cramming Him into a magic lamp to be roused by our wishes. There has been a gradual shift away from God-centered Truth to self-centered truth. We’re losing our moorings to the solid Rock and are drifting into individualized reality. It’s a much easier path, but not the one I will take.
I don’t need a therapy God who only empathizes with me and affirms me and makes me feel good about myself. I don’t need a Concierge who will pander me, prosper me and grant my every wish. I don’t need a God invented and reinvented in the fickle winds of culture.
I need the real God in my real world. One who calls me to a higher path, to be more than I am and all He has designed me to be. I need a God bigger than I am and bigger than my world.
I need the only One who can free me from myself and my bondage to sin. I need a God who calls me to repentance and obedience, then gives me the will and strength to obey and who will do in me the very thing He asks of me.
I don’t need a God who will keep me from the storm or from suffering but a God who controls it and walks with me through it to deeper places of His heart. I need a God who will purge and refine me until He is the very center and pulse of my soul.
I want to be undone and my heart set ablaze by the consuming fire of His fierce love and holiness. I need the one True God, the immutable Eternal God, who reigns in Sovereign power and is clothed with splendor and majesty.
So it is with those in the Society of the Burning Heart.
Secrets of Psalm 139
To hear it: Secrets of Psalm 139
Lord, You have searched me and you know me.
You till and sift the soil of my soul,
And peer into the innermost secrets of my heart.
You know the raw me, and you still love me.
You know when I sit down and when I stand up;
You perceive my thoughts from afar
You know my thoughts before they occur to me;
You’ve known them from antiquity.
You discern my going out and my lying down;
You are intimately familiar with all my ways.
You see me rise in the morning and lay my head down at night
Throughout my day, even if I leave your path,
You will never leave mine
For where I am, you are.
You are closer than my skin for I am in You and You in me.
Before a word is on my tongue you, Lord, know it completely.
Before I utter a sound, you’ve already heard it.
You hem me in behind and before, and you lay your hand upon me.
You surround every inch of all that’s me.
You go before me with grace and behind me with mercy.
You guide me toward your heart and you redeem my past.
Such knowledge is wonderfully incomprehensible!
It’s too lofty for me to attain;
Too massive to wrap my mind around.
Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
If I go up to the heavens and into the very birthplace of the stars, you are there;
If I make my bed in the utter depths, you are there.
If I rise on the wings of the dawn, and settle on the far side of the sea,
Even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast
And will never ever let go.
If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,”
If a deep darkness of despair, fear and loneliness swallows my light,
Even that darkness will not be dark to you;
The night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you,
And it flees from your holy light.
For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb –
Weaving soul and spirit, bone and muscle, according to your perfect design for me
You sparked the beating of my heart and I am Your image bearer.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
Your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you
When I was made in the secret place,
When I was woven together in the depths of the womb.
Your eyes saw my unformed body when I was a microscopic ball of cells.
All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.
You picked the day of my conception and You picked the day of my death
You are Sovereign over all the days between whether many or few.
How priceless are your thoughts toward me God! How vast is the sum of them!
Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand— On the shores of all the Seas and the deserts of all the continents.
You sing over me as I sleep;
When I awake, I am still with you and will always be with You
For you purchased me with your blood, and I belong to You.
If only You would slay the wicked and destroy evil in the world.
But search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my thoughts.
See if there is anything in me that offends You and degrades Your sacrifice.
Search out any idol I value more than You and place above You.
Wash away all my inquity, cleanse me from my sin and purge every idol.
I surrender all I am – my heart and mind and body to You – I am Yours.
Be Lord of my thoughts, my desires, my life.
Lead me along the everlasting path, and, in your grace,
Give me more faith to trust You and follow You in obedience.
just be
July 25, 2016. I’m floating in my red kayak at the inflow of the Great Spring into Clear Lake, the headwaters of the McKenzie River.
The spring of clear ice cold water rises to the surface, fills the lake, and starts its journey down the mountain to the sea.
Sunlight through soft ripples of the surface create turquois lace undulating on the sandy bottom at the inflow of the spring.
On the opposite side of the lake, an underwater forest of ancient trees rise from the dark depths to just a few feet below the surface. Gliding over them creates a magical sense of flying above the trees. They dance in rhythm with the gentle ripples of the surface, their straight trunks bending and swaying in the refracted light.
Clear Lake was formed 3,000 years ago when lava from Sand Mountain flowed across the river creating a lava dam and backing up the water. The submerged trees that were on the original riverbank now stand in 120 feet of water preserved by the extreme cold and purity of the water. The lake and the trees were formed when David was king of Israel. Amazing.
Floating here, it strikes me that for all the years I’ve come to the lake and for antiquity, the crystalline water continues to rise to the surface and pour into the lake. It also strikes me that the lake has nothing to do with the process of infilling other than openness to receive its unceasing abundance. The Great Spring fills the lake then spills down the mountain nourishing everything along its path to the sea.
I took a book by Brother Lawrence to the lake and read while drifting in a warm summer breeze. I was struck by what he wrote, particularly being surrounded by the stunning beauty and tranquility of the lake (no motorized boats allowed). In a letter to a Reverend Mother, he wrote this referring to himself:
“You can judge what contentment and satisfaction he enjoys. Continually feeling within himself so great a treasure that he is no longer worried or uneasy about finding it, he is no longer suffering the pain of searching for it. He is entirely open to it and free to partake of it as he wishes.”[1]
I spent many years in the pain of searching for the treasure but couldn’t quite lay hold of it no matter how hard I tried or how good I performed. I struggled thinking God was waiting for me to finally discover His secret so He could pour abundant life into me. I yearned for it, and had fleeting moments of discovery only to have it slip through my fingers again and again.
Floating and relaxing on a lake full and overflowing, God reminded me again of His grace and the great treasure that wells up within me. It is an unceasing outpouring of His grace, not a response to my doings. He wants me to simply receive it by faith and rest in it…to just be. Then His grace flows through me compelling me to love Him and serve Him and empowering me to do what He calls me to do. Doing always flows out of being. Attempting to reverse this process will end in failure every time. I know. I’m well practiced at it.
The key is being entirely open to the unceasing flow of the life of God. There is just one thing that blocks the flow – my sin. Like spiritual debris, it clogs the opening and my life begins to stagnate and stink. Peace and joy dry up leaving my heart empty. But in a moment, with a breath of confession and repentance, sins debris is swept away and I’m again flooded with overwhelming contentment and joy.
It strikes me that, like the lake, I have nothing to do with the process of infilling other than openness to receive God’s unceasing abundance. He fills my life then spills down the journey of my life nourishing everyone along my path to heaven.
[1] Edmonson, Robert J. (1985). The Practice of the Presence of God, Brother Lawrence. Brewster, Massachusetts: Paraclete Press.
Trillium Patch
My favorite native woodland plant is the trillium. So, when I overhead Professor John Scott talking about the trillium patches he found in Corban University’s forest, I was anxious to see them.
The trillium is sometimes called the Trinity Flower because its single stem is topped with three leaves and crowned with three sepals and three flower petals. They flourish in the rich moist soil under the canopy of the mixed upland forests.
The trillium has a gentle beauty and isn’t very competitive. Thus, they’re easily overrun by more aggressive species. So, the presence of these delicate natives is an indicator of the health of the forest.
Two of the more common trillium in Oregon’s forests and woodlands are:
Trillium ovatum, also known as the Pacific trillium or western trillium, blooms earlier than other native flowers and is the herald of spring. The pure white flower rests on a stalk that extends about 2 inches above the leaves. The flower blushes pink with age. Don’t we all?
Trillium albidum, also known as the giant white wakerobin or sweet trillium, makes its appearance with the first robins, hence the name. The white flower sits at the center and base of the three leaves.
I’m very fortunate that my workplace – Corban University – has about 80 acres of undeveloped forest and woodland rich with native species. Professor Scott, Corban’s birds and botany specialist and natural historian, lead me to his recent discovery of trillium and fawn lilies on our forested campus. John is also quite adept at recognizing encroaching nonnative plants, such as the Shiny Geranium, that grow prolifically in our woodlands. These invasive plants quickly dominate and smother other wildflowers.
Encroaching Shiny Geranium
John is passionate about the preservation of the native plants and the destruction of the nonnative invasives. A single plant can be easily uprooted. A forest overrun is quite another matter. Pulling it all by hand is an impossible task. It will grow back before it’s all pulled. It could be nuked with a potent herbicide, but that would kill everything.
As we walked, I began to see the forest and the pretty little geranium through his eyes. A light began to dawn and the parable of the Sower came to mind.
Parable: Other seed fell among thorns, which grew up and choked the plants, so that they did not bear grain. Still other seed fell on good soil. It came up, grew and produced a crop, some multiplying thirty, some sixty, some a hundred times.
Interpretation: Still others, like seed sown among thorns, hear the word; but the worries of this life, the deceitfulness of wealth and the desires for other things come in and choke the word, making it unfruitful. Others, like seed sown on good soil, hear the word, accept it, and produce a crop—some thirty, some sixty, some a hundred times what was sown. Mark 4:7-8, 18-20
Jesus identifies three choking thorns: worry and anxiety, seeking and delighting in wealth, and desires for other things. Sometimes thorns are prettily disguised and appear harmless. Lulled into apathy, they quickly spread and dominate like unchecked sin.
So, what does this all mean right now, even as I write and as you read? What’s the “so what”?
“The only way parables can be understood at the deepest level is for one to dare to become involved in their world, to be willing to risk seeing God with new eyes, and to allow that vision to transform one’s being.”[1]
So, I walk the paths of the forest to really see it. I look for trillium and fawn lilies and see English ivy and Himalayan blackberries. I dare to walk the paths of my life at the deepest level to look through God’s eyes at what’s growing and thriving under the canopy. Is His gentle beauty and life thriving in me or has it been overrun and smothered by invasive thorny worries and desires for things? Have I been wrapped up in achieving, succeeding and accumulating? Are there shiny little sins that have become established in the soil of my life? Hard questions.
God isn’t going to compete for space in my life, but He will eliminate the competition when I turn to Him in repentance. I have to first see them for the choking death they are and give them over to Him to redeem and transform. And He will….every time, again and again…until the Trinity flower rises and blooms from the rich soil of His life in me.
All photos taken by the author in the forest of corban university.
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[1] Garland, David E. (1996). The NIV Application Commentary: Mark. Grand Rapids, Michigan: Zondervan, p. 165.
Next Adventure
There’s something about watercolor painting that stirs my soul. I remember my first Prang watercolor set as a young girl. In fact, I can still smell the wet paints in the metal case and feel my cheap brush digging into the square pans of bright colors. From those early days, I’ve kept coming back to the transparency and fluidity of watercolor. Sometimes, I think it paints with me rather than me painting with it.
I’m a part-time artist with a full-time interest in the created beauty around me. I love capturing it with my Canon DSLR in my yard, on walks through the forests and beaches of western Oregon, and paddles on its lakes and rivers. Then the real adventure begins in my studio as I convert digital images and my 3D experience with the subject into a story with paper, paint and pencil.
The next adventure has just begun with the opening of my Etsy shop: PamTeschnerArt.etsy.com
Please check it out! I have professional Giclee prints of three of my paintings for sale. I’ve started with just a few pieces, but will grow it in time.
I hope my art creates a pause in your busy day and your busy thoughts to see, not my brush strokes or pencil lines, but the beauty of the subject and a moment of light and movement. More than that, I hope it reflects the beauty of the One who created it first and whose fingerprints are all over it.
Just added to my gallery: To a Wild Rose.
Sometimes God picks a moment to open an unexpected door and lead us to the beginnings of a new dimension of understanding and experience. Sometimes a great gift is given. A friend of mine began playing the piano as a young girl. Then an unexpected door opened to a deeper dimension of the heart and soul of music. God used the song, To a Wild Rose, to open the door and plant His gift of music in Debbie’s soul. The melodies, harmonies, rhythms, dynamics and textures of music unfolded in her like the petals of the rose. There are people who play and sing songs, and there are musicians through whom the heartbeat and soul of the song is given voice. I painted the wild rose and penned a portion of the melody line to remind my musician friend of the creative grace of God that fills her head and heart with music.