Sometimes suffering casts a heavy shadow over my faith and I wonder if God is still there and still cares. Sometimes it seems like He’s on vacation sipping ice tea in some remote corner of the galaxy and has forgotten about my struggles in the miniscule corner of the planet I occupy.
My humanity doubts when things are hard. Tied by the invisible bonds of gravity to the ground, I’m unable to see what lies beyond in the boundless dimension of eternity. Life is hard, people suffer, I experience loss and it seems like God has gone missing when I need Him most.
Asaph felt the same way when he penned Psalm 77. He cried out to God in a time of great distress and reached for Him in his despair only to find Him absent.
When I was in deep trouble, I searched for the Lord. All night long I prayed, with hands lifted toward heaven, but my soul was not comforted. I think of God, and I moan, overwhelmed with longing for his help. Psalm 77:2-3, NLT
The melody of Asaph’s mournful lament is familiar today – Have You rejected me, God? Has Your unfailing love finally failed? Have You forgotten Your promise to remember me? Have You given up on me? Have I finally worn out Your compassion and exhausted Your love? In a secret corner of our hearts, the same questions haunt us.
Then Asaph inserted a selah in the music – a silent pause to reflect and listen. As his overwhelmed spirit sighed in the pause, he picked up a quiet refrain issuing from the heart of God like the deep sustaining tones of a cello. Then lifted on the undercurrent of those rich tones, he began to recall the greatness of Jehovah.
But then I recall all you have done, O Lord; I remember your wonderful deeds of long ago. They are constantly in my thoughts. I cannot stop thinking about your mighty works. O God, your ways are holy. Is there any god as mighty as you? You are the God of great wonders! You demonstrate your awesome power among the nations. Psalm 77:11-14, NLT
Asaph’s circumstances didn’t change, but the song of his soul shifted from lament to hope and joy when he remembered the faithfulness of his God.
Jeremiah’s lament echoes the same despair turned to hope: The thought of my suffering and homelessness is bitter beyond words. I will never forget this awful time, as I grieve over my loss. Yet I still dare to hope when I remember this: The faithful love of the Lord never ends! His mercies never cease. Great is his faithfulness; his mercies begin afresh each morning. I say to myself, “The Lord is my inheritance; therefore, I will hope in him!” Lamentations 3:19-24, NLT
In our days of difficulty and distress, when we think God has left us to sort it out on our own, He waits for us to pause and remember. Then, in the selah, we pick up the rich sustaining tones of His greatness and power. The warm resonance of those great strings sing of His goodness and love. This love is unaffected by our failures and doubts. His attention and affection do not ebb and flow with our circumstances, our needs or even our response or lack of response to Him. His compassions never fail, and His loving embrace never loosens. From His song, lament turns to hope and hope to joy. Perhaps the deepest joy follows the deepest lament.
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Secrets of Psalm 139
To hear it: Secrets of Psalm 139
Lord, You have searched me and you know me.
You till and sift the soil of my soul,
And peer into the innermost secrets of my heart.
You know the raw me, and you still love me.
You know when I sit down and when I stand up;
You perceive my thoughts from afar
You know my thoughts before they occur to me;
You’ve known them from antiquity.
You discern my going out and my lying down;
You are intimately familiar with all my ways.
You see me rise in the morning and lay my head down at night
Throughout my day, even if I leave your path,
You will never leave mine
For where I am, you are.
You are closer than my skin for I am in You and You in me.
Before a word is on my tongue you, Lord, know it completely.
Before I utter a sound, you’ve already heard it.
You hem me in behind and before, and you lay your hand upon me.
You surround every inch of all that’s me.
You go before me with grace and behind me with mercy.
You guide me toward your heart and you redeem my past.
Such knowledge is wonderfully incomprehensible!
It’s too lofty for me to attain;
Too massive to wrap my mind around.
Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
If I go up to the heavens and into the very birthplace of the stars, you are there;
If I make my bed in the utter depths, you are there.
If I rise on the wings of the dawn, and settle on the far side of the sea,
Even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast
And will never ever let go.
If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,”
If a deep darkness of despair, fear and loneliness swallows my light,
Even that darkness will not be dark to you;
The night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you,
And it flees from your holy light.
For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb –
Weaving soul and spirit, bone and muscle, according to your perfect design for me
You sparked the beating of my heart and I am Your image bearer.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
Your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you
When I was made in the secret place,
When I was woven together in the depths of the womb.
Your eyes saw my unformed body when I was a microscopic ball of cells.
All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.
You picked the day of my conception and You picked the day of my death
You are Sovereign over all the days between whether many or few.
How priceless are your thoughts toward me God! How vast is the sum of them!
Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand— On the shores of all the Seas and the deserts of all the continents.
You sing over me as I sleep;
When I awake, I am still with you and will always be with You
For you purchased me with your blood, and I belong to You.
If only You would slay the wicked and destroy evil in the world.
But search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my thoughts.
See if there is anything in me that offends You and degrades Your sacrifice.
Search out any idol I value more than You and place above You.
Wash away all my inquity, cleanse me from my sin and purge every idol.
I surrender all I am – my heart and mind and body to You – I am Yours.
Be Lord of my thoughts, my desires, my life.
Lead me along the everlasting path, and, in your grace,
Give me more faith to trust You and follow You in obedience.
just be
July 25, 2016. I’m floating in my red kayak at the inflow of the Great Spring into Clear Lake, the headwaters of the McKenzie River.
The spring of clear ice cold water rises to the surface, fills the lake, and starts its journey down the mountain to the sea.
Sunlight through soft ripples of the surface create turquois lace undulating on the sandy bottom at the inflow of the spring.
On the opposite side of the lake, an underwater forest of ancient trees rise from the dark depths to just a few feet below the surface. Gliding over them creates a magical sense of flying above the trees. They dance in rhythm with the gentle ripples of the surface, their straight trunks bending and swaying in the refracted light.
Clear Lake was formed 3,000 years ago when lava from Sand Mountain flowed across the river creating a lava dam and backing up the water. The submerged trees that were on the original riverbank now stand in 120 feet of water preserved by the extreme cold and purity of the water. The lake and the trees were formed when David was king of Israel. Amazing.
Floating here, it strikes me that for all the years I’ve come to the lake and for antiquity, the crystalline water continues to rise to the surface and pour into the lake. It also strikes me that the lake has nothing to do with the process of infilling other than openness to receive its unceasing abundance. The Great Spring fills the lake then spills down the mountain nourishing everything along its path to the sea.
I took a book by Brother Lawrence to the lake and read while drifting in a warm summer breeze. I was struck by what he wrote, particularly being surrounded by the stunning beauty and tranquility of the lake (no motorized boats allowed). In a letter to a Reverend Mother, he wrote this referring to himself:
“You can judge what contentment and satisfaction he enjoys. Continually feeling within himself so great a treasure that he is no longer worried or uneasy about finding it, he is no longer suffering the pain of searching for it. He is entirely open to it and free to partake of it as he wishes.”[1]
I spent many years in the pain of searching for the treasure but couldn’t quite lay hold of it no matter how hard I tried or how good I performed. I struggled thinking God was waiting for me to finally discover His secret so He could pour abundant life into me. I yearned for it, and had fleeting moments of discovery only to have it slip through my fingers again and again.
Floating and relaxing on a lake full and overflowing, God reminded me again of His grace and the great treasure that wells up within me. It is an unceasing outpouring of His grace, not a response to my doings. He wants me to simply receive it by faith and rest in it…to just be. Then His grace flows through me compelling me to love Him and serve Him and empowering me to do what He calls me to do. Doing always flows out of being. Attempting to reverse this process will end in failure every time. I know. I’m well practiced at it.
The key is being entirely open to the unceasing flow of the life of God. There is just one thing that blocks the flow – my sin. Like spiritual debris, it clogs the opening and my life begins to stagnate and stink. Peace and joy dry up leaving my heart empty. But in a moment, with a breath of confession and repentance, sins debris is swept away and I’m again flooded with overwhelming contentment and joy.
It strikes me that, like the lake, I have nothing to do with the process of infilling other than openness to receive God’s unceasing abundance. He fills my life then spills down the journey of my life nourishing everyone along my path to heaven.
[1] Edmonson, Robert J. (1985). The Practice of the Presence of God, Brother Lawrence. Brewster, Massachusetts: Paraclete Press.
Trillium Patch
My favorite native woodland plant is the trillium. So, when I overhead Professor John Scott talking about the trillium patches he found in Corban University’s forest, I was anxious to see them.
The trillium is sometimes called the Trinity Flower because its single stem is topped with three leaves and crowned with three sepals and three flower petals. They flourish in the rich moist soil under the canopy of the mixed upland forests.
The trillium has a gentle beauty and isn’t very competitive. Thus, they’re easily overrun by more aggressive species. So, the presence of these delicate natives is an indicator of the health of the forest.
Two of the more common trillium in Oregon’s forests and woodlands are:
Trillium ovatum, also known as the Pacific trillium or western trillium, blooms earlier than other native flowers and is the herald of spring. The pure white flower rests on a stalk that extends about 2 inches above the leaves. The flower blushes pink with age. Don’t we all?
Trillium albidum, also known as the giant white wakerobin or sweet trillium, makes its appearance with the first robins, hence the name. The white flower sits at the center and base of the three leaves.
I’m very fortunate that my workplace – Corban University – has about 80 acres of undeveloped forest and woodland rich with native species. Professor Scott, Corban’s birds and botany specialist and natural historian, lead me to his recent discovery of trillium and fawn lilies on our forested campus. John is also quite adept at recognizing encroaching nonnative plants, such as the Shiny Geranium, that grow prolifically in our woodlands. These invasive plants quickly dominate and smother other wildflowers.
Encroaching Shiny Geranium
John is passionate about the preservation of the native plants and the destruction of the nonnative invasives. A single plant can be easily uprooted. A forest overrun is quite another matter. Pulling it all by hand is an impossible task. It will grow back before it’s all pulled. It could be nuked with a potent herbicide, but that would kill everything.
As we walked, I began to see the forest and the pretty little geranium through his eyes. A light began to dawn and the parable of the Sower came to mind.
Parable: Other seed fell among thorns, which grew up and choked the plants, so that they did not bear grain. Still other seed fell on good soil. It came up, grew and produced a crop, some multiplying thirty, some sixty, some a hundred times.
Interpretation: Still others, like seed sown among thorns, hear the word; but the worries of this life, the deceitfulness of wealth and the desires for other things come in and choke the word, making it unfruitful. Others, like seed sown on good soil, hear the word, accept it, and produce a crop—some thirty, some sixty, some a hundred times what was sown. Mark 4:7-8, 18-20
Jesus identifies three choking thorns: worry and anxiety, seeking and delighting in wealth, and desires for other things. Sometimes thorns are prettily disguised and appear harmless. Lulled into apathy, they quickly spread and dominate like unchecked sin.
So, what does this all mean right now, even as I write and as you read? What’s the “so what”?
“The only way parables can be understood at the deepest level is for one to dare to become involved in their world, to be willing to risk seeing God with new eyes, and to allow that vision to transform one’s being.”[1]
So, I walk the paths of the forest to really see it. I look for trillium and fawn lilies and see English ivy and Himalayan blackberries. I dare to walk the paths of my life at the deepest level to look through God’s eyes at what’s growing and thriving under the canopy. Is His gentle beauty and life thriving in me or has it been overrun and smothered by invasive thorny worries and desires for things? Have I been wrapped up in achieving, succeeding and accumulating? Are there shiny little sins that have become established in the soil of my life? Hard questions.
God isn’t going to compete for space in my life, but He will eliminate the competition when I turn to Him in repentance. I have to first see them for the choking death they are and give them over to Him to redeem and transform. And He will….every time, again and again…until the Trinity flower rises and blooms from the rich soil of His life in me.
All photos taken by the author in the forest of corban university.
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[1] Garland, David E. (1996). The NIV Application Commentary: Mark. Grand Rapids, Michigan: Zondervan, p. 165.
Next Adventure
There’s something about watercolor painting that stirs my soul. I remember my first Prang watercolor set as a young girl. In fact, I can still smell the wet paints in the metal case and feel my cheap brush digging into the square pans of bright colors. From those early days, I’ve kept coming back to the transparency and fluidity of watercolor. Sometimes, I think it paints with me rather than me painting with it.
I’m a part-time artist with a full-time interest in the created beauty around me. I love capturing it with my Canon DSLR in my yard, on walks through the forests and beaches of western Oregon, and paddles on its lakes and rivers. Then the real adventure begins in my studio as I convert digital images and my 3D experience with the subject into a story with paper, paint and pencil.
The next adventure has just begun with the opening of my Etsy shop: PamTeschnerArt.etsy.com
Please check it out! I have professional Giclee prints of three of my paintings for sale. I’ve started with just a few pieces, but will grow it in time.
I hope my art creates a pause in your busy day and your busy thoughts to see, not my brush strokes or pencil lines, but the beauty of the subject and a moment of light and movement. More than that, I hope it reflects the beauty of the One who created it first and whose fingerprints are all over it.
Just added to my gallery: To a Wild Rose.
Sometimes God picks a moment to open an unexpected door and lead us to the beginnings of a new dimension of understanding and experience. Sometimes a great gift is given. A friend of mine began playing the piano as a young girl. Then an unexpected door opened to a deeper dimension of the heart and soul of music. God used the song, To a Wild Rose, to open the door and plant His gift of music in Debbie’s soul. The melodies, harmonies, rhythms, dynamics and textures of music unfolded in her like the petals of the rose. There are people who play and sing songs, and there are musicians through whom the heartbeat and soul of the song is given voice. I painted the wild rose and penned a portion of the melody line to remind my musician friend of the creative grace of God that fills her head and heart with music.
Turned Inside Out
Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. II Corinthians 4:16
For the past three weeks, I’ve spent many hours at my mother’s bedside in the hospital and now in rehab at a nursing home. She fell and fractured her pelvis and hip on February 12.
I had told a friend at work that I was looking forward to the three-day weekend and spending time in my yard and art studio. On my way home, I received a call from the assisted living facility that mom had fallen in her apartment and was in transport to ER. So, instead of continuing home, I headed for the hospital. Thus began the daily vigil of caring, supporting, listening, advocating, waiting, pacing, coaching, and generally struggling to understand the mysterious ways of the medical world.
My mom has suffered with chronic pain and limited mobility for years, and now this. Really, God? I have watched her outwardly wasting away and wondered how she is being renewed day by day. How am I?
We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. II Corinthians 4:10
Perhaps the renewal is inextricably linked to suffering. Perhaps it’s the blossom and fruit of our troubles. Life from death. I don’t like that model.
Sometimes…well, most of the time…it’s hard to understand what God is up to when we or someone we love is suffering. I see but a miniscule slice of time, albeit the only slice of time I live in and experience, and from that perspective, none of this makes sense. But God has the beginning and end in view simultaneously and weaves it all together perfectly. I can see His perfect timing looking back, but I can’t see it looking forward. With Him, there is no back or forward. He envelops time – beginning to end.
So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. II Corinthians 4:18
I think the key is where I set my focus day in and day out through the years and the struggles. If I develop an enduring habit of fixing my gaze and thoughts on Him, more of His life will be formed in me. As the outside fades away, the truth of the inside is revealed. We’re turned inside out.
The most profound picture of Jesus today is in those who have walked the long path of life’s troubles but have kept their eyes on their unseen Companion who has carried them and sustained them.
Even to your old age and gray hairs I am he, I am he who will sustain you. I have made you and I will carry you; I will sustain you and I will rescue you. Isaiah 46:4